When Someone You Know Goes to Prison

Have you ever wondered how smart people who decide to write prisoners get caught up emotionally and end up in prison themselves? Here are five tips to help protect yourself from unintentionally becoming an emotional or financial casualty through inmate correspondence.

1. Be honest with yourself about your motives in relationships with prisoners. Do you believe that anyone in prison needs you to rescue them, or that they couldn't survive without your help? If so, you should probably not commence this endeavor.

You hear a sad story about someone's brother, friend or husband ended up in prison, and how unfair it all is. Considere that before they got there, it's more likely there were no less than 5 criminal acts they participated in prior to being incarcerated.

Convictions are often predicated on past criminal record patterns as well as the current offense. Of course there are exceptions, but it is good to ask, "has this person been in trouble before?"

Whether you accept it or not, it takes effort to be convicted for most criminal activity. Realize that many are regular habitual offenders. You can't reform anyone, but you can be a positive influence if correction is the road they choose.

2. If you communicate with a prisoner by mail, unless they are a family member and you are aware of their situation, do not respond immediately to requests to send them money. Hygiene items are provided by the state in most prisons as are meals, envelopes and clothing.

The pattern is to start out asking for something small, then see if they can elicit a generous response and then work that into getting more. I have heard prisoners on the phone angrily demanding from their wives, parents and even children, when I have been in the housing units. I am always shocked, but this for some is a lifelong pattern of entitlement behavior that could use some delayed gratification discipline.

Most prisons also provide opportunities to work for minimal compensation to cover their basic needs, and most prisoners need that experience. Some have never worked in the free world, so no matter what the pay is or how long their stay is, it is needed practice.

Just like us, it gives a person dignity when they rely on their own skills or abilities to survive. Mostly it keeps them busy, and focused, which is a good thing for any human being. They have the opportunity to learn skills that would keep them from being indigent on release and a further burden to society. Work in prison becomes a privilege if it is handled responsibly.

Work helps them to not be involved in activities with other offenders who are busy concocting other get-rich-quick schemes. Believe me when I say, they spend a considerable amount of time figuring out how to make up the money they lose when they get caught and are sentenced to prison. They have a lot of time to converse and share the information, and of course they have television and other media fostering that mindset.

3. If you choose to visit a prisoner, even if you are married to them, do not constantly rearrange your schedule to accommodate their requests to visit them every week. You need to establish a balanced life that includes time for rest and recreation if you want to be able to support them emotionally and spiritually.

Prisoners may express loneliness, but it is also a time when they need to think about what they have done, and to reflect on the behavior that resulted in their incarceration. If they don't experience the loss of missing family events and other priviliges, usually there is little motivation to change.

Don't be afraid to speak with their case manager if you are able, to find out how to best support them realistically. I say this because prison has a tendency to isolate from reality, and expectations may be unreasonable as a result. Case managers often have a more objective view on what is needed for change.

4. When it comes to correspondence, be caring, not co-dependent. Try to remember this person probably was getting along just fine before their incarceration. They have a lot of free time which is often occupied by writing letters and calling home collect far too often to prove they are still in control of their lives.

Make sure you aren't afraid to them the truth about how you experience life as a result of their actions. Be honest about the financial burden or they may avoid accepting any responsibility themselves and expect more than you are able to manage.

Some correctional systems provide opportunities to use their trades or skills to support their families. Someone who is making progress in change won't want their family to do without. They will be humble enough to not make those demands constantly.

If you sense they get angry when you can't do more, its probably best to put time between phone calls and visits or distance between you and them for awhile. In reality, you should feel the freedom to challenge any behavior they exhibit that is questionable, if they are sincere, they won't be offended.

5. When released from prison it is usually best not to allow them to come directly to your home, especially if they have habitually failed on parole in the past.

It is a fact that most inmates who do, can't handle the lack of structure and freedom. They may need to be supervised by someone who is aware of their criminal behavior. Good parole officers respond accordingly by pushing back by imposing restrictions when necessary.

They may have you convinced that you are their only hope of parole. This sometimes indicates that they are in a hurry to be released (who wouldn't be) and not in actuality ready. There are always other options available that they may need to wait for.

If you say no, they may need to adjust to their anxiety about getting out. Since it is human nature to want to be free, most inmates are thinking about getting out before they have even begun their sentence.

Almost all inmates are required to look for work as part of their parole plan, and report to a parole officer in addtion to drug and/or alcohol testing daily. They will need to handle these things well before they progress to freedom, so let them go through the process.

Time proves out to be a great ally, as temperance is accomplished through not always getting their way. Criminal thinking has the distinction of believing that they are the exception to the rule, and they shouldn't have to do what is required to prove responsibility.

There are agencies in place to provide bus tokens, clothing, job interview training and other incidentals which they have to make an effort to appropriate. They will have many needs when they leave prison.

The people trained who provide the structure they need to succeed also will require accountability. Structure will actually help them correct their course if they make that choice. If you see a pattern of complaining about this, be cautious, it is known to be a precursor to violating parole.

There are programs in place to help them face the issues they need to, so don't be afraid to ask them what programs they are attending to make changes. Of course there are people who are outside of prison who do criminal things, but that does not negate the reality there are manipulators in prison and a good number of them compare notes.

Let them progress and get the help they need from those who are familiar with the system which is in place to protect the public from the games inmates play. This will allow for a monitored transition which will help them to walk the line they need to succeed. It will save emotional wear and tear on you and your loved ones, and provide a safety net.

You can always visit them and encourage them over the phone until they are ready to be off parole, and they will learn to respect themselves for doing what is right. When they progress gradually, they are more likely to succeed, and you are less likely to be disappointed.

There is always a risk involved, but sometimes the work is worth it, as you see some progress to a better life. I have many men and women I work with who have made the transition, adhered to the requirements, and gone on to flourish in helping others succeed.

There is no more rewarding career than helping others through difficult seasons of their lives. You can make a difference, if you are realistic, optimistic, and well-informed about the processes.

Granted the system has many flaws and strengths. Books by Dr. Samenow like Inside the Criminal Mind are insightful. George F. Cole's The American System of Criminal Justice is a thorough, informative study of the system that I keep on hand when people are seeking counsel or understanding.

Incidentally, having assisted offenders in transition, these guidelines have been essential in determining and aiding those who are truly committed to a crime-free, non-dependent lifestyle. If you follow them, you will most likely experience safety and protect the security of your loved ones.

Finally, remember It is not a crime to say no when you feel the need to.

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